life through tears

I wanted to break the rules,

all of them.

I wanted to throw the standards out the window.

Just like you and everyone else out there.

I broke them, all.


I wanted to give myself a chance.

Despite your cruelty.

Despite your pain.

despite our broken hearts.

I wanted to do whatever I wanted.

After months of being ignored.

After years of following the rules.


The rules I worked so hard to comply with.

The freedom I desperately sought

The rules I agonized over breaking.

Wallowing in self loathing.


I wanted to be close to you.

In whatever way I could.

I wanted to tell the story.

To have your name on my lips.

To re-live the closeness.


I never, ever, ever,

wanted to hurt you.

I wanted to forget but all I did was remember.


I want to write.

write, endlessly, without rhyme or reason.

Only to write – to free my soul of trapped words.

Of trapped paintings living in my cells.

Images of a life unlived.


Now, everything is broken.

Still my heart, now my spirit.

Possibilities lie only in the future.

I dreamed for so long that the past would become now and the future.

I dreamed we could be.


Because you were relentless.

How could you have crumbled like a house of cards?

How could you not have seen my pain?

How could you punish me that way?

If my choice wasn’t right, then why did you not say, we needed to make another choice?

I wonder…I wonder what your lessons are?

I know you have thought of them, too proud to share, admit.

Now, everything is broken.


I burned the boats.

There is no going back.


I know now, I could never, ever, ever,


live like other people.

My heart, my soul, they just don’t live that way. I care, too much. This agony is forever etched in my insides.

But I had to.

And I will have to find a way to live beyond rules

Only to live with love.



It was loving to give myself a chance.

It was loving to consider you.

It was loving to walk.

Walk, because I still love you.

Walk because it wasn’t right.

Walk because I deserve, want more.

Walking was the loving thing to do.

I wonder if you will see that? That beautiful heart of yours.


Will it be sensitive to mine as well?


There, I said it.

because, I still love you.


There is no because.

I just do.


Our hearts are cut from the same cloth.

My weaknesses are cut from his.


and then

along came a man

to remind me of who I am

to free me

from self loathing


self-inflicted suicide


I still love you.