I haven’t written in weeks. I’ve felt really guilty about it too. For the first time in my life (I have been writing since I could hold a pen) I’ve felt worried about being cut off from my source. The guilt nagged at me every day. I haven’t felt inspired to do so… until tonight.
Feels kinda funny, remember that feeling you had when your Dad took the training wheels off??? I guess it’s is cuz I’ve been growing so much. So much in fact, that I can’t tell you just how I’ve changed. And although part of it was a conscious choice to embark upon a journey, I still haven’t fully integrated the growth that has come of that choice. T.R. sais it’s when people think they are growing the least that they are growing the most. I would say he’s right.
I have been really busy, deludingly thinking I was Superwoman and could pull off a million and one projects at the same time and still maintain the quality of my life. A pattern I’ve kept up very well for several years now, one that’s come to a climax in the past year and half, reaching it’s peak last weekend. I realized all these unexplainable malaises I’ve been experiencing… I was doing them to myself by driving myself into the ground. I’m glad to say it was being cut off from what feeds me the most that made me realize I was moving in the wrong direction. Spending time with myself, being in the creative flow of writing, having ether flow abundantly through my life, really being connected to the joy of life, to my loved ones, time with my very close friends and family, feeling that deep reverence for life, all of things increasingly have been escaping me. This lesson has been a long time coming. Few people, except maybe a small handful can testify to having watched me run myself into the ground time and time again during the course of my life. And yet, I know so deeply the power of focus, I am connected to it every time my fingers move across a keyboard. Of course there were a few key things that set off my awakening – missing the boat on a huge crisis in my closest friend’s life, something I normally would’ve felt without needing to be told, an important family challenge that made me realize just how much we must seize the beauty & joy in life, seize every single moment of it. But most of these types of wake up calls weren’t new (except for one of them), I was simly ready.
It is when we finally become teachable that we learn what we need to learn most.
Here’s the thing; it’s really hard to seize it when you’re going 500 miles per hour constantly. At some point, the rush of the ride where’s off and you realize you don’t have time to read the signs, see the smiles, the frowns, the cries for help, the magic moments, the opportunities to love, support, give back, you just can’t gather all that information when you’re going that fast. And quite frankly, I want to enjoy life, to savor every moment of it. I want to enjoy lazy Saturdays sleeping on a blanket in the park by the pond, rainy weekends curled up with SATC, laughter with a best friend, the experience of being fully emerged in my writing, time to comfort close one’s when they need it, time to connect, to savor, to be grateful.
I went for a long walk tonight to enjoy the warm weather. I was also conversing with someone about something huge I came to realize in this whole process. Basically coming face to face with my biggest, meanest demon. Just as I heard myself saying that I didn’t really know what conducive means to employ to move though this challenge, I looked up and noticed a sign for a center I’d attended a few years back. It said Emergence Meditation Center. B-I-N-G-O!!!!! Meditiation, oh yah I forgot about that, even though I meditated just last night. My mind went back to a replay of Healing with the Masters I’d heard earlier (because I now have the time again for this kind of stuff), Neil Diamond Walsh on Conversations with God. It also went back to Iva, one of my wisest mentors, continuously urging me to pay attention to what goes on around me, that there is a constant conversation going on with Source. I remember Walsh’s words, something like ‘the conversation is always happening, you’re just not tuning in to it’. I smiled.
I know that I am connected again. This is when the magic happens, when I get into the flow. It may take a while for the spring in my step to be strong again, for my body to be in top shape again, but my spirit is stronger than ever. And you know what, better writing will come of this.
I’m just getting warmed up ((((O: