sooooo well said and a magical experience   :

The next time your woman is in a bad mood, try this: Assume she is not feeling loved. Simply assume it, even if it seems that it can’t be that simple, that there must be some underlying reason for her upsetness, a reason that you could fix. Assume she is more like a flower that needs watering than an engine that needs a carburetor adjustment. Don’t assume anything is wrong at all. Assume that she wants love from you, in a deep, strong, steady, and sensitive way.

Look into her eyes with love, touch her how she likes to be touched with love, and speak or sing to her with love. Discover what happens to her mood. Then, after her mood has been dis-solved by your loving and she is happy and relaxed, you can talk about anything that still needs to be talked about.

If you ever find yourself asking your woman questions about her mood while she is still in it, you are already on the wrong road. First, give her love through your eyes, touch, movement, and tone of voice. Then and only then, after the connection of love has been made, find out what remains to be talked about.
David Deida  (The Way of the Superior Man)

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Just accept that.

I was talking to one of my best friends who recently moved away to another city to start  a new with her new hubby in another city. She was frustrated by the fact that new relationships with heartfelt depth had not yet manifested in the few months that they have been established. Beyond being frustrated she was pained. She wanted so much to build ties with people in her new community.

It’s easy when we decide that we want something to expect it manifest or be accomplished instantaneously. We all have an eager beaver part of us that wants what we want or need now. It’s even easier to be discouraged  and derailed by the delayed manifestation and interpret the delay as a denial, failure and experience as a result of this.

As we talked, it dawned on me that she was feeling pain because she was comparing the relationships she had there in the few months that they had moved with what she built over the span of over forty years. It had not been created all at once.  She had gradually over the years added to her life day by day building strong ties with friends and family that resulted in a a life abundant with love and joy and presence. There was no way she could create the same relationships over less than six months. More importantly, focusing on what was not happening (fast enough) kept her from being aware of what was happening. She had adapted well to the office change, to the double length commute, the hustle of bustle of their new life.

When I first started writingThe Joy of Cancer I felt like I was not advancing. Like I was never going it done.  I could not fathom that I would one day be working on the final drafts of my last two chapters. What I learned along the way is that a chapter is written paragraph by paragraph, you work at one idea and then another and segment to segment, you end up with a finished chapter.  Chapter to chapter – this is how you end up with a finished manuscript.  Once I understood that I stopped feeling bad about the fact that I hadn’t finished anything over the one day I had spent sitting in front of Javier, my beautiful Macbook. Instead, I began celebrating each paragraph and idea that I got down on paper.  And when I feel stuck or overwhelmed I remember that I just have to write this one paragraph or this one segment. And slowly but surely the train gets moving.

This new learning got me thinking about dating. I had often witnessed and experienced what felt like a trap of men deciding that they wanted to be in a relationship with a woman or me or vice versa and expecting it be so immediately. It always perturbed me. I thought of how many people out there must feel pain because they approach each new prospect with the high expectations of a “relationship” and feel disappointed or discouraged when what should be playful dating doesn’t live up to their expectations right away. How can it?  You’ve spent years putting feeding that bucket with dreams and wishes and desires. It needs a little bit of time to come into full being. It wasn’t the full relationship bucket it is in the current moment than it was when you first decided that’s what you wanted.

With anything you want, if you can accept that it will come into being one paragraph at a time, one segment at a time and the best thing that you can do is keep laying the foundation by working with where you are now in relationship to where you want to be. You don’t decide you want to run a marathon and it’s done. You have to run it mile by mile and if you keep thinking about the fact that you haven’t the finish line yet you’re gonna have a hell of crappy time getting there.  Isn’t running about being in the moment?  There’s nowhere go to but from where you are to the next step forward.  And isn’t each stride that generates that really good feeling?  I love the crunch of my feet on the pavement with each step i take when I run.  And writing a book isn’t just about the finished product – it’s in the actual writing that I can feel good.  Each great idea, each time I’m in the flow, that feels good !  And so it is with life and  relationships.  Enjoying each step towards where you want go is what makes the journey worthwhile and fulfilling.

Once you get to where you want to go, there you are. And you enjoy for a little while and then you want to go somewhere else and so on and so forth. If you only feel good when you get to where you want go you’re spending a lot of time not feeling good because you spend a lot of time getting to where you want to go. May as well start learning to enjoy the going.

Think of the act of making love. No one sais they don’t  enjoy the process of getting there. If anything you want the feeling to last and last …. well that’s how you can live if you started enjoying the getting there. Every journey has the potential for that kind of fulfilment. It’s a moment to moment practice.

Q❤

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The people you think “have it all together” are just those you don’t know well enough. -Rick Warren

In Information = Power from Success Magazine‘s December 2011 issue, Tavis Smiley talks about the importance of leader’s sharing their stories of failure – these stories encourage others to keep on despite failure. They teach that failure is only feedback; often, people will give up as a result of failure.  It is so important for human beings to share not only their failure stories but also their vulnerability.  This is it folks, this is what makes us human – to each other.

Why go on walking in this world pretending that life is peaches and cream all the time.  Admittedly, for most of us, whether we see it or nor not, it’s pretty darn great most of the time.  Nonetheless, we all have our off days or challenges, our moments of vulnerability.  But in hiding we do not do the world justice, we do not serve as teachers.  To teach that everything is a bucket of roses all the time is false, way more empowering is to teach, by example, that yes, even “together” people have bad moments, or off days, or make mistakes or fail.  This is one of  the threads that ties humans together, not because we are weakened by our vulnerabilities but because we are strong in spite of them.  Because we brush ourselves off and carry on. Is there a more powerful lesson?  in what twisted world did we teach that everyone had to be perfect all the time otherwise they are broken?  No kidding so many human beings walk around with the deep  and predominant feeling that they are never enough and are afraid of rejection.

The way to unravel that twisted belief is to create a movement with a new one. Is to teach by example.  Is to be brave. Is to be authentic.

Let those that are brave enough stand with you. The more people come to live their truth, about their dark moments, the more   people will be able to also, live their truth in their light.

Q♥

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It’s like you want it to be over he said to me

it shocked me

reminded me of you, slowing me down

of course I want it to end

the question mark, made into a period.

I want to feel, to feel deeply

again

for someone else

now that you are gone

I want to know you are never coming

that you will be never be the one, on my doorstep

that you won’t come looking for me

I want to feel, deeply again

like I don’t want time to end

but right now, everything is about getting it to end

so I can not feel the void that is you, gone

not loving me

always wild and untameable

prevents me from replacing you until it is real

inside that the void that is now you

I want to feel deeply again

someone else’s heart inside mine again

Q♥

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Women are moved by depth.

It’s why we seek out such deep connections with the people we relate to. It’s why historically we’ve had nurturing type roles. It’s why we feel so much compassion and empathy and MUST act on it.  We’re not typically,or innately, rather, driven to fix things – we’re more pulled to love and nurture and open ourselves deeper. Even our bodies are designed to experience depth. Did you think that was a coincidence?

Anthony Robbins teaches that fulfilling relationships are crucial to one’s sense of fulfilment in life.  Without fulfilling relationships (over time -obviously we all have periods where solitude is pre-requisite to re-connecting) there may be a sense of “something missing”or wanting “something more” in our lives.

Here’s the thing… if a woman is constantly seeking to deepen her experience of life, her relationship will be a crucial vehicle of her ability to experience more depth. If you, as a man, can’t go there with her, or better yet, take her there, she will either fulfill that need for depth on her own or go seek it elsewhere.  If you can’t sustain your presence or attention long enough to bring her to more depth – you will not be adding any value to her life. In my opinion, a relationship that adds no value to one’s life is a relationship in need of a re-vamp OR it’s time to walk away.

I once heard Tony Robbins speak to a young couple.  They were there with him because the woman had asked her man to join her. Tony addressed the man, (and I only understand now what he meant exactly), “She’s looking to expand and deepen her experience of life – if you can’t go there with her, if you can’t take the lead and bring her to more of this that she seeks, she will become bored with you  and eventually seek this fulfillment elsewhere or fulfill herself without needing you.”  The whole point to life is expansion – if you don’t get that yet – get it now! Nowhere is this expansion more valuable than your relationships.  The couples who not only survive, but thrive, are those that expand together, on-goingly.

Of course you could ignore that expansion is the basis of life. You’ll coast for a while and then something’ll bite you in the ass and you won’t know how to deal with it because you haven’t practiced expanding with awareness and then you can blame your parents, your wife, the government, the garbage man, taxes…. but you still will have cheated yourself out of the awareness that’s there’s nothing you can do about this truth.  Life will cause you to expand (Abraham Hicks) and you will either suffer the expansion or learn how to embrace it, or better yet, create it yourself and reap, reap, reap the benefits – especially, deeply, in your relationships.

Peace

Q♥

*inspired by the work of Tony Robbins, David Deida and Abraham Hicks

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It’s no secret that men love teaching women (how to do) things.  And that they are great at it!  And that this exchange of giving and receiving creates a dynamic has a swooning effect on women and a puffing effect on men.

But I wonder, in a world now where the norm is that women is men’s equals – how much teaching do men get to do? It’s (in my opinion) a sad waste of beautiful and feel good swooning and puffing (O:

This teaching dynamic is a gift from men to women, and gents if you want to teach a woman something that will bring you a huge return on your investment – teach her to open. The truth is, no one can open her better than you can. And if you don’t do it, she will do it on her own and you lose out on the opportunity to be the hero that you are so meant to be. And you don’t even have to risk battle and rage a war and suffer physical wounds.

Of course, it’s in the female nature to be naturally open, but our north american lifestyles make it increasingly difficult for women to be in their natural state.  Many of us are constantly being expected to behave more like men.  ”be strong”  ”not show our emotions” “push and challenge ourselves harder and further”  all wonderful things but none of these are elements that create that radiant effect that so powerfully draws men in and opens their hearts.  So even though it appears to be more challenging than ever for women to remain intact with their natural flowing and radiant energies, there is opportunity in challenge.  Now more than ever, men have real and frequent opportunities to engage with women in ways that allow them to really have a deep impact on women, as so many of us have lost our way.  If you can guide a women to open herself to you now, you will gain her trust and well…I’ll have to let you discover for yourself the magical devotion that unfolds at your feet when this happens. All I can say is, believe you me, it’s well worth the challenge.

Every time you are given a moment when you can teach a woman something, make your underlying goal to open her to more. This is our natural nature, we can’t help but to respond to you when feel you gently and persistently cracking at our shell.

Step up!  Your strength is needed now more than ever!

Q♥

**influenced by the teachings and work of David Deida

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“You can’t solve a problem with the level of thinking that created it” -Albert Einstein

I’ve been working on a list of my own personal “maxims” – my own “rules of the road” so to speak; for relating and for living. These are for me and me only. But a conversation I had over lunch today with one of my beloved girlfriends brought me to share this one.

Of all the knowledge, wisdom and learning my life experience has brought me to come to understand – through training, through mentoring, through trial and error and learning by “pulled teeth” and white knuckles, this I know for sure:

When you’re stuck, whatever it is, when you can’t find the solution, when you feel hurt, or broken, when you can’t get what you want, when you’re suffering – opening wider than the problem, pain, hurt, fear is always the way towards the solution.

When your heartt is broken and you want to close from the pain: open wider than the pain.

When you’re stuck creatively: open wider than the block.

When you’re  pulling teeth trying to grow your business: open wider than your perceived circumstances.

When you’re broke with not a dime in your pocket and fear creeps in: open wider than the fear.

Opening is the key towards the solution which you do not know yet.  If you are not open – whatever you seek (whether you know exactly what you seek or not)cannot make its way in.

An easy way to open, in a nutshell, while bypassing the logic of it all is to mentally expand your awareness.  Mentally expand your awareness as if you were peripherally seeing beyond your field of vision.  Expand your awareness above you, below you, the front and back of you and to either side of you. Feel yourself opening to take in the whole space that your mind can perceive. Open and expand way out beyond yourself, far far far beyond yourself.

Beyond the 10 steps to success, or the 8 stages of love or the 5 rules of living a happy life or the 3 keys to financial freedom and all the other “recipes” you have access to…. No one can give you the real answers you seek.  I can’t give you the answers but I can teach you how to open wider than your perceived circumstances, how to expand your awareness to so that you can find your own.

Who knows….maybe one day I’ll make a book from my own list of 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2, or 1 personal maxims and you can remind that I told you that this one was the golden one. Hahah!  With all in life, you take the good and leave the rest.

Peace!

Q♥

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I could pretend that I don’t miss you

the words I hate to utter aloud

and that my heart  doesn’t feel crushed

as my day goes along

its hums in the back of my mind

tears stinging my eyes when I have a minute alone and it sinks deeper in me

that I don’t feel like I did when I was 16

because I do, I feel like when you left when we were kids

and that younger woman, then and now, although they are more spacious in your life, somehow I am always in your heart

time after time, you are still present and you still open my heart better than any man I’ve ever known

I feel like, in waves, as  if something has been torn from me

and not to question why you left again, when my heart opened

but instead of questioning

I smile through my tears at the sunshine

and the wonderful people in my life

I fill myself with the gift of my family

I open my body to bliss

to new experiences

I let love pour in and out of me

I open my heart wider than the hurt

and each time it grips me a little less

I relish in your bliss, the bliss you must feel,

now, wherever you are and as you move from place to place

I celebrate your courage and your mission

and your freedom,

I honour your journey

And I love you more than ever

I have let you go

♥

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I know you think you’re lost

but you were never lost when you knew how to open my heart better then I could

when I stood before you not even knowing how closed I was

how did you know how to reach into my shell

without even cracking it

did you know the magic you were doing?

and when you would lay beside my bed

on the floor

watching me sleep, holding my hand

why did you fight your heart that way

I can still remember your hands on my bare skin

that night, they cooled my body

warm from slumber

and now, as I apply the balm on a wound

the way you taught me

I remember you caring for me

I try to push you out of my mind

knowing you have gone

there is no reason for me to wait for you

I know you want to know who will still be around

but I was never gone, my heart never left your side

even closed, it waited for you to open me

and now open, all it wants is pour its love into yours

why is it that  you leave  when I finally open my heart?

especially this time, when it was you who opened it.

Q♥

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some goodbyes happen quietly

hidden beneath the surface

shiny eyes wobble tears within them

beneath the emerging moonlight

as you pull me into your shoulder

where I lay the smaller sobs that I am not holding back

reasons why unuttered

very quietly

hugs are exchanged

few words amidst many feelings

in a world where it is best to say all the love

in this moment there is not a word to say

the heart has its reasons

and may our paths never steer to far from eachother

in heart

even though they may never meet again in this same way

there is only more thing

breathing open hearted, despite the anguish of departure

you always remember who I am

even

when I forget

thank you for opening my heart

now I know how to live

Q♥

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